Motivation and emotion/Book/2019/Relationship commitment phobia

Relationship commitment phobia:
What is it and how can it be dealt with?

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Overview

Case study Twenty-seven year old Emilie enjoys casual dating; however the idea of committing to one person makes her anxious. She meets twenty-five year old Katrina, and they start spending all of their time together. They meet one another’s family, and close friends. They support each other at social activities, and they even start to talk about planning a future together. They get along perfectly, sharing many similar interests, and sexually, they are very compatible. Katrina starts to question Emilie about the possibility of a long-term, committed relationship, and Emilie backs away. To Katrina, it looks like Emilie has lost all interest in her. Emilie knows deep down that she loves Katrina, but she can’t get past the anxiety she feels when she thinks about spending the rest of her life with only one person. Eventually, Emilie decides that if she is ever going to be happy, and have a family of her own, she must seek help to understand the cause of her anxieties. She starts to see a therapist, and engages in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. After a series of sessions, Emilie realises that her fear of commitment stems from the insecurities she formed around her needs being fulfilled unpredictably by her parents in her early childhood. Eventually, Emilie learns to turn her anxiety into excitement, and feels she can be committed to a stable and loving intimate relationship.

Romantic relationships are an important and natural part of human existence (Talebreza-May, 2019), however there are people who fear commitment in intimate and romantic relationships. This is usually due to trauma and heartbreak in early adulthood, or the attachment styles they have learned as a product of the bonds they shared with their primary caregiver during infancy and early childhood. There are several psychological theories that can help explain relationship commitment phobia, including Attachment Theory by Bowlby and Ainsworth, Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development, and Pavlov’s Classical Conditioning.

What is relationship commitment phobia?

The term commitment phobia was made popular in the late 1990’s after the release of Steven Carter’s book Men who can’t love. It’s referred to as the avoidance and fear of intimacy, and love in long-term relationships (Carter and Sokol, 1996).  Those with fears committing to romantic relationships don’t necessarily fall into a specific category in sexual preference, gender, age, ethnicity or class (Grohol, 2018). However there are certain characteristics such as the relationship and experiences the individual had with their parents and primary caregivers in infancy, and childhood, and also experiences with intimacy and love in early adulthood which are the contributing factors to the development of the phobia.

Most people don’t realise that many emotions have a similar physiological impact on the body (Goldsmith, 2013). Falling in love is often associated with excitement and exhilaration; however these can often be confused with feelings of anxiety, which can deter people from continuing to be intimate with a specific person (Grohol, 2018). The Schachter-Singer Theory, also known as the two-factor theory of emotion, states that physiological arousal of the emotion occurs first, and it is up to the individual to cognitively label the emotion based on what they believe to be the reason for the arousal (Cherry, 2019a). Increased heart rate and clammy palms are just two of the many physiological impacts of anxiety and nervousness; however they can also be interpreted as responses to affection and love.  

Individuals who find themselves hesitant to commit or continue being intimate in the early stages of dating someone might be labelling their feelings of excitement as anxiety, and therefore cease the relationship. These emotions being interpreted and therefore cognitively labelled as anxiety are often the subconscious reactions to past experiences, where the individual has been conditioned to fear and back away from intimate situations and committed relationships.

Relevant psychological theory

There is currently limited research on the cause of relationship commitment phobia, however several psychological theories can be applied to define and support the concept.

Attachment theory

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby with the help of Mary Ainsworth in the late 1950’s. It attempts to explain the dynamics of interpersonal relationships between humans, particularly long-term (Cherry, 2019b). The theory was developed by observing the reactions and interactions young children had in regards to their primary caregivers. Four main attachment patterns were observed: Secure attachment, insecure-avoidant attachment, insecure-ambivalent attachment, and disorganised attachment (Trickey, 2004).

Secure attachment comes when caregivers are attentive and caring towards their children. A child will feel safe to engage with strangers, explore freely whilst their caregiver is present and trusts that the caregiver will assist in times of need. They will appear visibly distressed or upset when the caregiver departs, and will often appear happy when they return.

Insecure-avoidant attachment is evident when the child appears distant or shows little emotion when the caregiver departs or returns. This is usually a product of the caregiver being unresponsive, and not meeting the needs of the child.

Insecure-ambivalent attachment occurs when the caregiver is unpredictable in response to the child’s needs. The child is often wary of strangers, and explores very little. When the caregiver departs, the child is often highly distressed, and generally shows mixed emotions on their return. A study in the late 1990’s done by McCarthy and Taylor, found that adults who have difficulties in maintaining intimate relationships, often displayed ambivalent attachments as a child (Mccarthy, 1999).

Disorganised attachment is the hardest to categorise, and appears to be a combination of ambivalent and avoidant attachments. The child shows uncertainty or randomness toward the caregiver, and may not seek them out in times of need. Often this occurs when the needs of the child are ignored by the caregiver, or the caregiver is disinterested or abusive towards the child.

Attachment theory in adults was explored in the 1980’s by Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver. Similarly to Bowlby and Ainsworth, Hazan and Shaver separated their adaptation of the theory into four main components that roughly correspond to the original theory: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Adults who indicate fear to romantic relationships, often experience avoidant attachment styles (Nauert, 2018). This can be fearful-avoidant, where they tend to avoid intimacy due to feelings of uncertainty or discomfort around seeking close relationships. However usually adults who are hesitant to commit in romantic relationships show a dismissive-avoidant attachment style (Levy, 2017). This corresponds to the aforementioned insecure-ambivalent attachment style. Here, the individual tends to avoid attachment altogether, preferring to opt for high levels of independence. The individual will display trust issues, being hesitant to receive positive feedback from others, whilst maintaining a positive relationship with their own ego (Carvallo and Gabriel, 2006).

Stages of psychosocial development

Developed in the 1950’s by Erik Erikson, the stages of psychosocial development theory states that personality is ever progressing, from infancy through to adulthood (McLeod, 2018a). He identified eight stages, where an individual must undergo a psychosocial crisis which will shape personality development negatively or positively. Each of the crises will lead to a basic virtue being gained, or not.

The eight stages are listed in the table below:

Certain elements in Erikson’s theory can be applied to those who have commitment phobias in romantic relationships during adulthood. In the first stage, Trust and Mistrust, if an infant’s basic needs are not being met by their primary caregiver, they will decide they cannot trust the world, and will show feelings of withdrawal, suspicion and lack of confidence (McLeod, 2018a).  This stage is based upon the work of Bowlby and Ainsworth on Attachment Theory. The individual will turn their attention to activities and objects, as they have learned not to trust, rather than making an effort to connect, or sustaining contact with others.

The sixth stage of Erikson’s theory is based on Intimacy and Isolation. This stage occurs in early adulthood, and will have an impact on whether the individual decides they are capable of loving, and forming meaningful bonds. Important relationships outside of family begin to be explored. If negative experiences arise, the individual is likely to fear commitment, avoid intimate situations, and have feelings of isolation and loneliness for the duration of their life. The outcome of positive experiences are secureness, care, and a sense of commitment and the virtue of love (McLeod, 2018a).

Classical conditioning

Childhood experiences are not always the reason behind an individual’s fear of commitment. Sometimes this can be a result of previous dating or relationship experiences in the early stages of adulthood, similar to Erikson’s sixth stage of psychosocial development. This concept is known as classical conditioning. Classical conditioning was developed by Ivan Pavlov in 1897. He discovered that new behaviours can be learned through association (McLeod, 2018b). The framework for this theory centred on his experiment with dogs at feeding time, using a bell to signal that food was about to be served to the dogs, and observing their reaction afterwards.

Make a table of how it works/add a picture

Add more research, such as little albert

The unconditioned stimulus in his experiment was the dog food. The neutral stimulus was the sound of the bell, as it did not elicit salivation from the dogs originally. However, the sound of the bell became the conditioned stimulus as the dogs salivated, the conditioned response, when they heard the sound of the bell, regardless of food being presented to them or not (Cherry, 2019c). An adult with a secure attachment style may develop a phobia of commitment due to experiences in early adulthood. If an individual has had an intimate relationship which ended in trauma, heartbreak, isolation or depression, among other negative feelings, the individual becomes less likely to engage in intimate and committed relationships in the future, because they associate the commitment and intimacy to those negative feelings from the failed relationship (Grohol, 2018).

Case study In Carol's office, there is a man named Ben. Every day at exactly 12 noon, Ben alerts Carol, and everyone else in the office, that it is lunch time. Carol soon starts to associate her hunger with the sound of Ben's voice. One day, at 11am, Ben alerts the office that it is lunch time. Carol immediately feels hungry, and does not argue that there is still an hour until their usual lunch time. This is because Carol has been classically conditioned to associate her lunch time hunger to Ben's voice, rather than the time.

Dealing with relationship commitment phobia

Relationship commitment phobia may be a difficult thing for the individual to address, and there isn’t a particular diagnostic manual in dealing with it, it isn’t impossible to cure. There are several ways to assist the individual in understanding their fear of commitment, and further assisting in removing the anxieties they have surrounding long-term, intimate relationships. One way to assist in understanding the origin of commitment phobia is to engage in an Adult Attachment Interview.

Adult attachment interview

An Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) is a way of assessing adult’s strategies for identifying, preventing and protecting themselves from perceived dangers, particularly tied to intimate relationships (Family Relations Institute, n.d). The AAI was developed in 1985 by Carol George, Nancy Kaplan and Mary Main as a clinical tool to assist in understanding how one reacts in a variety of intimate situations, by evaluating childhood attachments (De Haas, Bakermans-Kranenburg and Van Ijzendoorn, 1994). It typically comprises of approximately twenty questions, and lasts for around ninety minutes in duration. The individual’s ability to maintain constant and clear dialogue whilst reflecting on childhood experiences is measured (wiseGEEK, n.d.). Although partaking in an AAI will not typically assist in relieving the phobia of commitment, it does help indicate where the fears originate from. From there, the individual can look at methods of dealing with their fears, suitable to them.

Cognitive behavioural therapy

Psychotherapy can assist individuals with a phobia of commitment. This can take place in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT involves the un-pairing of the anxiety response, to the feared situation, often over the course of several sessions with a qualified therapist (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Los Angeles, n.d.). CBT is often made up of several components, including cognitive restructuring, systematic exposure, and mindfulness training.

Cognitive restructuring

Cognitive restructuring is the replacement of counterproductive thought patterns with more positive, realistic thoughts. This leads to a decrease in negative emotions associated with the fear, such as anxiety and avoidance.

Systematic exposure

Systematic Exposure, also known as systematic desensitisation, is a graded process of slowly exposing an individual to their fears, starting with the least-anxiety provoking stimulus, moving towards stimulus more triggering (unknown, 2014). The starting point for commitment phobia, may be having the individual be able to comfortably talk about being in a committed relationship, with the end result being the obvious, have the individual be comfortable in engaging in long-term, committed relationships.

Case study Carlos has arachnophobia, which is the immense fear of spiders. Even the thought of spiders sends him into a panic. He decides to see a therapist to help overcome his irrational fear. The therapist suggests that Carlos start a systematic desensitisation process. They come up with a fear hierarchy, starting with the thought that provokes the least amount of fear. For Carlos, that is thinking about a spider. He assigns a fear rating of 10 to the first step. Together, Carlos and his therapist finish the hierarchy, including things such as letting a spider crawl on his desk, which was assigned a fear rating of 70, letting a spider crawl across the leg of his pants, which was assigned a fear rating of 90, and eventually holding a spider, which was assigned a 100 on the fear rating. During the systematic desensitisation process, Carlos engages in mindfulness training. He learns how to calm himself, and regulate his breathing, along with how to relieve the tension from his muscles. After ten sessions, Carlos successfully holds a spider. He feels his arachnophobia has been cured. Mindfulness training Mindfulness Training teaches the individual to engage in the present situation. By having the individual focus on what is happening around them, and regulating their emotions in the present, they are less likely to feel anxiety or become distracted thinking of their fears of the future, commitment or intimacy (Gien, 2015). Mindfulness training can involve, but is not limited to the use of anchoring, where an individual will direct their attention to feeling the physical weight of their body, limb by limb, or breath counting, where the individual will focus on their breathing to centre themselves. Conclusion Relationship commitment phobia occurs when an individual has anxieties towards intimate and long-term romantic relationships. There are not necessarily common characteristics in those who struggle with the phobia, and can have an impact on any gender, ethnicity, age class, or sexual preference. Attachment styles learned in childhood or experiences with romantic trauma in early adulthood are the two main reasons an individual will develop a fear of commitment. Understanding of the origin of an individual’s commitment phobia can be found by engaging in an adult attachment interview.  Although the research on the cure for commitment phobia is not extensive, treatment can include cognitive behavioural therapy, which is broken down into cognitive restructuring, systematic exposure and mindfulness training. <quiz display=simple> {Bulgaria and Rumania joined the European Union in 2007. |type="[]"} + TRUE. - FALSE. {Switzerland is a member of the European Union. |type="[]"} - TRUE. + FALSE. </quiz> To ensure readers have understood the content, an interactive activity in the form of a quiz may be added. See Also Attachment type and emotion (Book chapter, 2016) Emotional abuse in romantic relationships (Book chapter, 2019) Fear of commitment Intimate relationship Mother-child emotion talk (Book chapter, 2019) Motivation and relationships (Book chapter, 2013) Phobias (Book chapter, 2019) Romance (love) Romantic friendship Two-Factor motivation theory (Book chapter, 2019) References External Links Adult attachment interview Book: He's Scared, She's Scared Find a local therapist Video: How to get over the fear of commitment Bits and Pieces until final edit Social Contributions: https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Talk:Motivation_and_emotion/Book/2019/Phobias#A_thankful_feedback https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Talk:Motivation_and_emotion/Book/2019/Stalking_motivation#Topic_Development_Feedback https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Talk:Motivation_and_emotion/Book/2019/Mother-child_emotion_talk#Feedback_near_due_date%3A https://uclearn.canberra.edu.au/courses/5858/discussion_topics/78667 (discussion comment, 16.42,17 October) Get link to twitter’s https://twitter.com/PrimroseKaiti/status/1184608029724987392 10.12am, 17 October https://twitter.com/PrimroseKaiti/status/1184638308229402625 12.10am, 17 October