Abusive relationships and emotional dependency

Multimedia presentation (3 min)

Overview

This book chapter explores the significant link between abusive relationships and emotional dependency;

What is an abusive relationship?

An abusive relationship is, but not limited to, when someone treats an individual with:

“Violence, disrespect, cruelty, harm, or force”
“Mean words, threats or shaming”
“Jealousy or controlling behaviour”
“Physical or sexual violence” (see Figure 1).

What is emotional dependency?

In addition to this, emotional dependency is referred to as “a chronic pattern of unmet affective demands, which individuals desperately seek to meet through close interpersonal relationships” (see Figure 2).

To further understand the connection between abusive relationships and emotional dependency, the book chapter focuses on what specific psychological mechanisms drive emotional dependency, and how these mechanisms perpetuate abusive relationships.

What psychological mechanisms drive emotional dependency?

Attachment Theory

A fundamental psychological mechanism that is linked to emotional dependency is the attachment theory. An accredited psychoanalyst John Bowlby established this theory in order to create a theory that “focuses on relationships and bonds between people, including those between a parent and child and between romantic partners”. The theory also proposes that humans are born with the need to create bonds with their caretakers, and how these “early bonds may continue to have an influence on attachments throughout life.” (Cherry, K, 2023)

Bowlby’s theory explores the emotional bonds and relationships between individuals through 4 main attachment styles:

4 Main Attachment Styles:
	Overview of Attachment Style	Primary caregiver’s relationship in this situation	Case Study
Secure Attachment	The individual is capable of setting healthy boundaries The individual tends to feel safe and stable in their relationships with others The individual has a good sense of self-worth The individual is resilient and is adequate in dealing with disappointments and obstacles The individual can express their thoughts and feelings openly	The individual who consists of having a secure attachment style is likely to have had a caregiver who was adequate in remaining engaged with them as a baby and making sure to calm and soothe them, in addition to dealing with their own stresses to be able to appropriately look after them.	Stephanie, a 28 year old art teacher, and Toby, a 29 year old business owner, have been together since graduating from university. Both individuals came from families who encouraged emotional communication, which has allowed for them to have a healthy and meaningful relationship. In their relationship, they calmly and effectively communicate their feelings openly, value and respect each other’s independence, and have confidence and trust in one another as they know time apart will not weaken their bond.
Anxious Attachment	Individual fears being too clingy or that they can’t fully rely on or have trust in their significant other Individual becomes overly fixated on their partner and the relationship completely takes over their lives Individual finds it hard to understand or respect their significant other’s boundaries Individual finds it difficult to understand if their partner needs space, which leads to them fearing and panicking that their partner may leave the relationship Individual feels anxious when separated from partner and may employ strategies such as guilt, controlling behaviour or manipulation to keep them close Individual craves consistent attention and attention from significant other Individual may face criticism for being viewed as too needy or controlling you are in a relationship, which can lead to the individual having difficulty maintaining relationships	The individual who consists of having an anxious attachment style is probable to have had a caregiver that was overall inconsistent; occasionally engaged with their individual’s needs, and other times negligent and/or unavailable.	Holly, a 21 year old university student, and Ryan, a 22 year old electrician have been in a relationship for 7 months. Holly’s mother was an alcoholic and was not really present in her life, which led her to develop an anxious attachment style, which influences how she acts with her partner Ryan. For example, Ryan has explained to Holly that he is going to take her to a nice dinner out, however he has to be asleep by 10pm to wake up early for work. They have a nice night together, however as time grows closer to 10pm and Ryan reminds Holly he has to sleep soon, it makes Holly question if he even wants to hang out with her and even wants to be with her, even though he has a valid reason to go to bed early. This leads to Holly panicking and having an emotional outburst stating “you act like you don’t even want to hang out with me anymore!” and “all you do is prioritise work over me!” After Ryan calms Holly down, Holly is still distraught due to worrying she has pushed Ryan away due to her outburst, which makes her anxiety deepen and form a cycle of conflict based on insecurity.
Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment	Individual has challenges with emotional intimacy Individual is very independent and does not like the idea of being too close to someone romantically Individual usually distances themselves from a partner when they try to get closer to them Individual tends to disregard their partner’s emotions Individual may keep secrets from partner or engage in cheating Individual tends to prefer short, casual relationships over intimate, long-term relationships, or seek other individuals who are just as independent as them - this allows them to emotionally maintain their distance	The individual who consists of having an avoidant-dismissive attachment style is likely to have had a caretaker that was rejecting and/or unavailable during your childhood. Due to your needs not being met, it caused the individual to maintain your distance emotionally from others, and self-soothe on your own.	Dan, a 20 year old rugby league player, and Rita, a 21 year old university student, have been seeing each other for 4 months now. Dan grew up in a family where expressing your emotions was unheard of and talking about your mental health made you appear “weak”, so Dan developed an avoidant-dismissive attachment style. Dan is well-known for having usual romantic flings and can never commit to anyone fully, due to the idea of relying on or being relied on is suffocating to him. So when Rita hints to him of when he is going to officially ask her out, he dismisses it and replies with “can we not talk about this please? Like why do you want to rush things, like can’t you just see how things go?” In addition to this, Dan enjoys spending time with Rita however likes to keep his routine and hobbies, such as going to play footy and going out drinking with friends every weekend, separate from their relationship - one day, Rita asked Dan if she can come watch his footy game then afterwards they go out to dinner together to celebrate. Dan replies with “no that’s a bit weird for you to come to my games, you’re not even my girlfriend. Besides, I go out every weekend with my friends after the games so it’s not going to work”. This is degrading to Rita who feels like Danl is emotionally distant and is unwilling to completely invest in being in a relationship with her.
Disorganised/Disorientated Attachment	Individual may find the world and relationships with others terrifying and unsafe, and have extreme difficulty knowing how to soothe themselves Individual may replicate same abusive patterns as an adult, as similar to what they experienced in childhood Individual may act extremely angrily or aggressively towards partner at times Individual can be judgemental of themselves as well as others Individuals may display consistent antisocial and negative behaviour such as alcohol/drug abuse, aggression, and/or violence. Individual tends to desperately crave a safe, secure and healthy relationship, however they feel immensely scared of getting hurt again and that they do not deserve love Individual’s childhood is most likely to be altered by abuse, neglect and/or trauma.	The individual who consists of having an avoidant-dismissive attachment style is likely to have had a caretaker who was either: The caregiver’s actions came from a place of comfort but also fear, which triggered the confusion and misunderstanding that the individual would feel in later life Parental figure neglected individual’s needs Caretaker’s erratic and chaotic behaviour traumatised and frightened individual	Angelina, a 23 year old public servant, and Ed, a 24 year old physiotherapist have been in a relationship for 9 months now. Angelina experienced a chaotic family dynamic; growing up with having a father who had unresolved mental health issues and would either be too consumed in his own thoughts to attend to Angelina’s needs, or angrily put all his own emotions onto Angelina. Due to this, it has caused Angelina to develop this attachment style as she desires and craves emotional intimacy but at the same time fears it, which has overall caused a strain on her and Ed’s relationship: For example, Olivia often moves from wanting to be very close to Ed to pushing him away when he gets too close. This can be seen one night, at dinner where Angelina tells Ed how much she loves and appreciates him. The next conversation shifts to Ed saying how he has to go on a work AFL trip to help strap players for a month, to which triggers Angelina’s mood to change. She suddenly believes and voices to Ed that he wants to go on this work trip to purposefully avoid her, and that he doesn’t want to be around her anymore.

Low self-esteem

A primary psychological device that influences emotional dependency is low self-esteem (see Figure 3).

Low self-esteem is characterised as when “people have a poor opinion of themselves” and tend to have characteristics such as:

Not liking themselves too much
Thinking other people do not like them because you’re “unlikeable” or “damaged”
Thinking of themselves as not being able to be loved or worthy of love

Low self-esteem components that incite emotional dependency:

Seeking external validation:

A 2018 observational study examined whether low self-esteem was linked to the use and consequences of indirect support seeking during interactions in romantic relationships. The study proved that people with low self-esteem tend to “utilise indirect support” which may backfire “negative partner support” instead, and further “undermine the feelings of acceptance that low self-esteem individuals crave”, overall demonstrating how low self-esteem individuals can be emotionally dependent through heavily desiring external validation.

Fear of abandonment and rejection:

According to a 2022 paper, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are typically seen in individuals who have abandonment and rejection issues. The paper outlines how these individuals often internalise abandonment and rejection, believing it was their fault that they are inadequate of being loved and cared about. This negative perception of themselves can lead to a permanent sense of inadequacy and self-doubt, which can impact various areas of their lives, such as their perspective of their careers, platonic relationships, and romantic relationships (Cruz et al., 2022). (See Figure 4).

Difficulty setting boundaries and prioritising personal needs:

Due to individual’s having a low sense of worth about themselves, it may result in having difficulty establishing boundaries and prioritising their own personal needs. Many individuals with this issue tend to feel angry at themselves and others, and have a feeling of not being in control.

Codependency

A major psychological mechanism that causes emotional dependency is codependency.

Codependency is defined as “codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behaviour”. It can also be referred to from a relationship context as consisting of “unhealthy ‘clinginess’ and needy behaviour, “where one person does not have self-sufficiency or autonomy”, and that they must rely on their partner to feel complete.

Codependency and its link to domestic violence

A psychological review highlighted how psychological factors, such as codependency, “contribute to domestic-partner abuse risk”, explaining how “high levels of emotional dependency in an abused partner may reduce the likelihood that the victimised person will terminate the relationship”.

Codependency IS NOT limited to occurring to just women:

Article outlines how the concept of codependency used to be interpreted as a woman being codependent on a man, however in modern society, we have come to realise that men can also be codependent.

Codependency is often unrecognisable

Codependent individuals tend to seek help for stress and depression related symptoms, and may only receive symptomatic help such as anxiety medication, which can overall mask the true underlying reason for their emotions and behaviour.

Codependency and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Research has shown links between codependency and BPD through identifying key traits such as emotional dependency, mood instability, and impulsiveness which are fundamental aspects of BPD. Individuals with BPD can display intense emotional dependency on their romantic partners, which further represents how they may demonstrate codependent behaviour and how they may rely on external relationships to provide emotional regulation, reassurance and identity (see Figure 5).

How do psychological mechanisms perpetuate abusive relationships?

A key mechanism that maintains abusive relationships is trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding, which is where “a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm”, allows for abusive relationships to occur through establishing a psychological and emotional attachment between the victim and the perpetrator.

This is extremely difficult to stop due to several dynamics:

Intermittent reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement consists of continuous cruel treatment with occasional moments of random affection. Research outlines how this unpredictably keeps victims craving and clinging onto occasional moments of affection, which is very similar to someone gambling in hope that they'll win. An example of this can include when the perpetrator gives gifts to their partner after abusing them, or the perpetrator giving a kind response to their partner when they usually respond in a different manner. Despite the current emotional damage occurring, this type of reinforcement continues to trap victims in this abusive cycle.

Distorted sense of self-worth

Over a course of time, victims may start to believe they “somehow deserve the abuse” they are receiving, and through the abuser “destroy[ing] any sense of self-esteem they once had”, it leads them to “believe that they don’t deserve any better”.

Trauma-related attachment

As a result of the relationship being “centred around a shared traumatic experience”, it may leave the victim feeling a sense of empathy or responsibility towards their abuser, which allows for the cycle of abuse to continue (see Figure 6).

Fear and learned helplessness

A critical device used to perpetuate abusive relationships is fear and learned helplessness.

Fear

Fear is referred to as “a basic, intense emotion aroused by the detection of imminent threat”.

The main following dynamics that display how fear is demonstrated in abusive relationships include:

Intimidation and Control

Perpetuators tend to plant fear in relationships to maintain control, which leads to victims fearing that their abuser will physically harm, emotionally manipulate or retaliate against them if they leave the relationship

Isolation

Due to abusers isolating their partner from their family and friends, it results in the victim to rely significantly on the abuser and have fear of being alone if they were to leave the relationship.

Learned helplessness

In addition to this, learned helplessness is characterised as “behaviour exhibited by a subject after enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control”.

The key dynamics that present how learned helplessness is demonstrated in abusive relationships include:

Repeated trauma

This involves victims dealing with continuous abuse and feeling powerless to change their circumstances, which may lead to them developing a sense of learned helplessness, where they believe that no matter what they say or do, the situation won’t change for the better.

Self-esteem erosion

This involves constant belittling and manipulation by the abuser which can affect a victim’s self-worth, resulting in them feeling unworthy of a healthier relationship or them believing that they deserve the abuse.

Inability to take control of situation

This includes victims feeling paralysed and lacking the ability to make decisions; they may wait for an external change to occur that may never come, which keeps them trapped in this abusive cycle.

Gaslighting and manipulation

A key mechanism that maintains abusive relationships is gaslighting and manipulation.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is also referred to as an abuse tactic that is employed to plant doubt in the victim’s thoughts and emotions, which often escalates in trusted relationships. It can also undermine accomplishments, create codependency, and damage mental health, which may lead to the victim having a distorted and confused reality. Overall, this may result in victims struggling to seek help due to feelings of guilt and manipulation, which complicates their recovery.

Research shows the following warning signs of what gaslighters do to their victims include:

“Tell white lies”
“Deny something even when you have proof”
“Make you doubt your own judgement”
“Make you mistrust others or lose interest in people and things that take your attention away from them”
“Wear you down and make you feel exhausted or hopeless”

Manipulation

Manipulation is defined as “an action designed to influence or control another, usually in an underhanded or unfair manner which facilitates one's personal aims" (see Figure 7).

Types of Manipulation
Having Control over Location	Manipulators may physically take victims to places they are unfamiliar with, or emotionally try to bring victims out of their comfort zone. The abuser does this in order to feel a sense of control.
Manipulating Facts	Manipulators will be dishonest with victims, make excuses, and blame them. Occasionally, these types of abusers will share some truth to their facts to strategically manipulate you.
Being Passive-Aggressive	Manipulators will voice subtle, indirect negative feelings towards victims to undermine them.
Guilt and Sympathy	Manipulators tend to make their victims feel guilty or have sympathy towards them in order to receive what they want.
Use of Silent Treatment	Abusers use this withdrawal tactic to punish their victims
Use of Comparison	Abusers may compare their victims to someone else to further evoke an upsetting or uncomfortable reaction from victims, or make them feel insecure about something.
Love-bombing	Manipulators use this common abuse tactic to give enormous amounts of praise and affection to speed up their relationship between them and their victim. This causes the victim to be heavily attached to their abuser, which allows for the abuser to easily discard them later on.

How do individuals remove themselves from abusive relationships?

According to an Australian psychology article, some ways to break free from emotional dependency to form healthy relationships include:

Conclusion

This book chapter clearly establishes the significant connection between emotional dependency and abusive relationships, which is key for creating healthier relationships with others. Through being aware of what psychological mechanisms drive emotional dependency and how these mechanisms can incite abusive relationships, it allows for individuals to start working towards strategies to remove themselves from emotional dependency and unhealthy relationships. It is through these devices that individuals are capable in understanding the crucial link between emotional dependency and unhealthy relationships in order from them to foster healthier romantic relationships.

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