Motivation and emotion/Book/2021/Pity

Pity:
What is pity, what are its implications, and how can it be managed?

Multimedia presentation (3 min)

Overview

This book chapter explores the emotion pity, what it is, what the implications of pity are, how pity can be managed, and the difference between self-empathy and self-pity. However the empirical research has paid only scant attention on the subject of pity.

Focus questions: What is pity? What are its implications? How can you manage pity?

What is Pity?

Case study 1 Abby is out shopping with her friends in the city. Abby and her friends walk past a homeless man holding up a cardboard sign that says “anything will help please”. Abby can’t help but feel sorry for the homeless man, thus pitying him.

Pity is an emotion that expresses a negative evaluation of the bad situation of others or yourself. Pity is a feeling of sorrow or sympathy for someone or something. Examples of pity can be the attitude of most people toward beggars or the homeless, a family member who's seriously ill, mentally ill people, physically disabled, or feeling sorry for yourself because you were not able to get the grade you wanted on your school project.

Quick quiz Choose the correct answer and click "Submit": Pity can be defined as: the feeling of sorrow caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others. sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. feeling angry and disappointed towards oneself.

What are its Implications?

Case study 2 Michael’s small hometown has recently experienced a terrible flood that has left him homeless and caused him to lose his grandmother. Other areas of his hometown have not been severely effected as his part and because of this he experiences self-pity and questions why this has happened to him and why he had it worse than other people in his hometown who have not lost someone close to them. Due to the gravity of flood, this got televised on the news which has led Michael to receive help from complete strangers who feel sorry for him.

Self-Pity can be an Effect from a Stressor of a Dramatic Event

The case study above demonstrates how a catastrophic event can have the person dealing with it pity themselves as well as have others pity the individual who has gone through the catastrophic event.

Aspects of One's Personality Can Have an Effect of One's Self-Pity

The research based on observation on self-pity is very slim, but the research that is available shows that self-pity can be an effect from a stressor of a dramatic event. It can also be shown that aspects of one's personality can have an effect of one's self-pity. This can also be combined with antagonistic views against others as their pity to themselves becomes jealousy to the people around. Even if this can be diagnosed based on an event, it is not restricted towards that alone as anybody can fall victim to feeling sorry for one's self.

While looking into the science of psychology, the personalities that mostly respond to experiencing self-pity are moody and most likely experience feelings of anxiety, anger, loneliness, and more. In other words, people that are unable to self-regulate are more likely to have self-pity for the most of their lifespan. There is also evidence that the effect of self-pity can depend on gender, with women being more vulnerable and more likely to go through with that cause.

Self-Pity Could Come From Their Past Failings or Losses and As a Result Could Break Down the Mind of a Person

Using the case study of Michael, what action he decides to take in regard to the flooding and losing his home and grandmother will affect how he deals with future endeavours. It is safe to assume that Michael may not be as mentally and emotionally strong to adequately handle future endeavours as a result of his losses in the flooding like he used to prior to the flooding and the loss of him home and grandmother.

How can it be Managed?

Face their Feelings

Mentally strong people allow themselves to experience emotions like grief, disappointment, and loneliness head-on. They do not distract themselves from uncomfortable emotions by questioning whether their problems are "fair," or by convincing themselves they’ve suffered more than those around them. They know the best way to deal with discomfort is to just get through it.

Recognise Warning Signs of the Downward Spiral

When you focus on everything that is going wrong, your thoughts become exaggeratedly negative, and those thoughts will negatively affect your behaviour if you dwell on them. The combination of negative thinking and inactivity fuels further feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people recognise when they are at risk of becoming caught in a downward spiral and take action to prevent themselves from living a pitiful life.

Question their Perceptions

Our emotional state influences how we perceive reality. When you feel sorry for yourself, you likely focus on the bad things going on in your life, while overlooking the good. Mentally strong people question whether their thoughts represent reality. They ask themselves questions like, “Is my luck always bad?” or, “Is my entire life really ruined?” Such questions allow them to recognise when their outlook isn’t realistic, and to create a more realistic perception of their situation.

Practice Gratitude

It’s hard to feel self-pity and gratitude at the same time. Self-pity is about thinking, “I deserve better." Gratitude is about thinking, “I have more than I need.” Mentally strong people recognise all that they have to be grateful for in life—right down to the fresh air to breathe and clean water to drink.

Build Mental Strength

Developing mental strength is similar to building physical strength. If you wanted to become physically strong you would need good habits, like lifting weights. You would also need to get rid of bad habits, like eating too many sweets. Developing mental strength also requires you to have good habits—and to give up destructive ones, like self-pity. By developing an increased ability to regulate your thoughts, managing your emotions, and behaving productively despite your circumstances, you will grow stronger and become better.

Self-Empathy versus Self-Pity

The problem with self-pity is it can create disconnection and separation. People seeking pity or sympathy are typically not looking for empathy or evidence of shared experience; they are looking for confirmation of their uniqueness.

The problem with self-pity is that it may imply, on the one hand, that you are worse off than others and that no one else can understand (“You have no idea what it is like”) yet, on the other hand, you want validation. It ends up a no-win situation. The more you feel sorry for yourself, the more you feel alone and disconnected.

Self-empathy means we drop the pity by acknowledging that, although the specifics of the situation are unique to us, the feelings of shame, sadness, fear, anger or hurt we are experiencing are universal. In this way, we can feel reconnected to the human experience.

Self-empathy also invites us to hold our self-judgements lightly, allowing those self-judgements to dissipate and fade away, leaving behind a kindness and compassion that we can extend to ourselves.

A self-empathy tool you can use involves imagining how you would approach a frightened child, a distressed friend, or a vulnerable animal. Then it is encouraged for you to hold yours own feelings inside their bodies with the same acceptance and care they would show to another. This helps us to relax around our painful feelings, rather than letting the feelings turn into thoughts of self-pity.

Quick quiz Choose the correct answer and click "Submit": Self-empathy can be described as? Implies that your feelings are not affected by others misfortunes Implies you are worse off than others Implies that the specifics of the situation are unique to us, the feelings of shame, sadness, fear, anger or hurt we are experiencing are universal

Figure 1. Pity emoticon

Conclusion

Pity, which is often viewed as a negative emotion is a subject that is not extensively researched on. This chapter explored that pity is an emotion that expresses a negative evaluation of the bad situation of others or yourself. As well as pity can be an effect from a stressor of a dramatic event, pity could come from their past failings or losses, or you can be more prone to self-pity due to your personality. We learn that you can reduce the feeling of self-pity by facing your feelings, recognising warning signs of the downward spiral, questioning your perceptions, practicing gratitude, and building mental strength. Additionally, we explored the difference between self-empathy or compassion and self-pity.

See also

• Empathy (Wikipedia)
• Pity (Wikipedia)
• Self-compassion (Wikipedia)
• Self-pity (Wikipedia)

References

Duff, A. J. A., & Brownlee, K. G. (1999). S7. 2. The management of emotional distress during venipuncture. Netherlands Journal of Medicine, (54), S8. http://doi:10.1016/S0300-2977(99)90014-1

Geller, J. (2018). Pity, Suffering, and Psychotherapy. American Journal of Psychotherapy. Psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org. https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2006.60.2.187.

Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85, 348-362. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348

Izard, C. E. (2010) The many meanings/aspects of emotion: definitions, functions, activation, and regulation. Emotion Review, 2, 363-370. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1754073910374661

Kimball, R. (2004). A Plea for Pity. Project Muse. https://muse.jhu.edu/article/175729/summary

Konstan, D. (2001). Pity Transformed. Google Books. https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=yxB0BgAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PP1&dq=Meaning+of+pity&ots=8RFLTUl7H4&sig=6FmYDTLngtJ3YyD44AhNldspg5s#v=onepage&q=Meaning%20of%20pity&f=false.

Fominaya, A., & Rusch, N. (2016). The effects of pity on self- and other-perceptions of mental illness. Science Direct. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178115302146.

Neff, K. (2007). Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Science Direct.https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656606000353.

Riess, H. (2017). The Science of Empathy - Helen Riess, 2017. SAGE Journals. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2374373517699267.

Stanley, H. The Psychology of Pity. Science. https://www.science.org/doi/pdf/10.1126/science.12.300.487-b.

Stober, J. (2003). Self-Pity: Exploring the Links to Personality, Control Beliefs, and Anger. Wiley Online Library. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1467-6494.7102004.

External links

• 8 Ways to Let Go of Self-Pity for Good (Life hack)
• How to Stop Self Pity (YouTube)
• On Self-Pity (The school of life)
• Sharks and Self Pity (YouTube)
• The psychology of pity and self-pity (YouTube)