Bahá'í Faith/Spouse Selection/Attraction, Love and Unity

III. Attraction/Love/Unity

Questions to ask yourself and your potential spouse:

Do you love or are you attracted to one another in body, mind and soul?

Are you committed to one another for all time?

Do you feel at one physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually with your partner?

Do you like the same things?

Do you like one another’s friends and families?

Is it easy for you to have agreement with your partner without compromising yourself?

Do you feel comfort, safety, ease and at one with one another?

Do you agree on what is true, beautiful and good physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually?

Introduction

These may seem like simple and basic questions, but they are vital and complex. Attraction and love needs to be considered on all the same levels as maturity: physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually. Marriage is about love, attraction, commitment and attachment of body, mind and spirit. Attractiveness has to do with maturity and likeness. Both science and traditional belief systems support the idea that likes attract likes and that the greater the affinity and likenesses a couple have, the greater the likelihood of a successful marriage.

The first and primary task in finding a good spouse for a happy marriage is to make your self beautiful in all ways. Most people focus on their physical beauty, and fail to develop their psychological, social and spiritual attractiveness. As you become more attractive, others will become attracted to you. When you find someone attractive, and they have an attraction to you, then you can begin to determine if your attraction is physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually sound enough to consider marriage. Each person will have beauty in different forms, combinations and degrees.

At the time of marriage, most people are at the peak of their physical ability and beauty. The rest of their life those qualities will fade and decline, and necessarily end in death. The psychological, social and spiritual aspects of an individual will continue to grow and develop as the result of the exercise of our wills. The spiritual aspects are the only things that will survive beyond this earthly life.

Remember that some things we are attracted to are not good for us, and one must strongly look at a person’s character (see Character below) to determine if your attraction is good for you or not.

Physical-Material

Physical attraction is usually the first, and unfortunately, often the most important factor in attraction and choosing a spouse. Physical and sexual attraction are built into human nature, especially our animal nature. It is a strong force in bringing together a man and woman. Sexual attraction is essential for the continuation of the human race as through sexual intercourse procreation results. Sexual attraction is one of the most basic and strongest of human physical drives and desires.

Physical attraction is a temporary thing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and over time both the eye of the beholder and the physical beauty of the beholden change. This is not a lasting quality and not one on which a marriage should be based, though it is definitely a sign to be considered in your selection of a mate.

What we find as physically attractive is strongly influenced by our culture. We are taught what is beautiful and what we should desire, especially in consumer societies. With globalization, regional and cultural ideas of physical and sexual beauty are becoming more influenced by international and media conceptions and standards.

The cultures of today, especially the Western and materialistic cultures, give an exaggerated over emphasis on the importance of romantic love, physical attractiveness and sex. They each have their roles to play in a happy and successful marriage, but in no way equal or counter balance the psychological, social and spiritual factors.

Economic and power factors play a part in this material attraction. Even more than physical beauty, money and power can be transitory possessions. As much as they are important to you, they should be considered, but they are generally given undue emphasis in modern society, which lead to other problems in marriages. Being attracted to the same economic values and ideals and sharing compatible ideas about who should have power and how it should be wielded, are aspects of character (see below). Being united about these issues will help to solve one of the most common and persistent problems reported in marriages today and a cause of many divorces.

Psychological-Intellectual

Physical and sexual attraction has more to do with psychological factors than physical looks. Sex generally breaks down in marriages more for psychological reasons than for physical. We all suffer some psychological problems and have limitations that will affect our ability to deal with marriage and family. We often enter into relationships to meet some psychological need or desire. If we are not aware of these often unconscious factors we might be driven in ways that will not be in our best interests.

One aspect of psychological attraction has to do with intelligence. The marriage partners should be attracted to and unified with the thinking of each other. Some personality types get along better than others. Knowing you and your prospective partner’s personality types may be helpful. Some personality inventories such as the Myers-Briggs are easy to use to get some preliminary information.

Do not be too influenced by praise or criticism. Some people want to be loved so much that they will be easily misled. Others have constructed models of love that are based on psychological deficiencies: they want someone to save them, worship them or even abuse them. See Character below for a more complete treatment of this topic.

Beauty and attraction are socially constructed; therefore vary depending on social circumstances. Seeing one another as trusted and loving companions who enjoy one another’s company is a sign of social attraction. The closer your ideas and values about social conduct and appropriateness, the more likely you will find the other acceptable and attractive.

Unfortunately, we are socially conditioned to be attracted to relationships that may not be healthy for either party, but fulfill immature or wrong ideas about what a husband and wife should be in relation to one another.

Ideas of fairness, equity and justice differ among cultures and individuals. Finding a partner who views these ideals similarly will engender greater love and unity in the family. Unfortunately, these social constructs are skewed in our world in a way that discriminates against the women. Most marriages are based on this inequity. This condition may be accepted but it is not conducive to healthy growth and development of the individual, marriage or family. As most marriages we have grown up in have followed this model and as we are heavily influenced by the childhood models of marriage we grew up with, it will take conscious and sustained effort to overcome these out-moded practices and ideas.

The true basis of social unity is service. The married couple is to be helpmates serving one another, as concerned for the other’s needs and welfare as much or more than for their own. The degree of social-emotional unity and health in the marriage will depend on the level of equity and justice in it.

Spiritual-Moral

From a spiritual perspective, unity with another person is based on unity with God and self. Inner harmony depends on a unity of our thoughts, feelings and actions.

The most enduring of attractions and ideals of beauty are spiritual. The love of an all-loving source of creation is the fountain from which all other loves flow. By sharing this mutual attachment to a higher power outside of themselves, they find a point of agreement and love. Marriage is meant to be a spiritual union, an eternal bond, a firm covenant and cordial affection based on love, knowledge and will. As such, it is the source of blessings, contentment, joy and harmony.

You must be informed of and attracted to each other’s spiritual natures or souls. A sign of a positive spiritual attraction is that you both encourage one another’s spiritual development and that you share compatible values. Submission to the will of God or some higher spiritual entity by both parties and some common agreement on what that means forms a bond that is vital for unity to flourish.

Being in agreement with and attracted to each other’s moral and ethical values and positions will be vital to a harmonious relationship.

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